Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Money is the root of all wealth

This January has 47 Mondays

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Jogging

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Goat cheese is for herders.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.