my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.