why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
calling in to work dehydrated
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say