Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

The Joker was right

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.