I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.