Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

😂🥴

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”