Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?