Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Every work meeting this week

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.