Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
😜
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse