Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

They got Raph!

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.