BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
You know…for fall…
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas