Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Home is where your toilet is.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Truly one of the great bangers

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

$4 #usedbooks

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.