My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
You Might Also Like
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
