Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”