I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
You Might Also Like
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Our lord and savoury.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
my sentiments exactly
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
