God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
