Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Everyone is getting idioter.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking