Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?