I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts