Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.