Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

☠️ ☠️

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK