Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
a fate I wish upon no one
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’