At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Baller is short for ballerina
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
That time Alicia messaged me
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.