Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together