Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You Might Also Like
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
FRED: right
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”