Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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adam and eve had first world problems
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good