Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.