My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Dammit Chief not again
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.