You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
You Might Also Like
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
What is going on? 😅
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road