I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Watermelon Boss!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL