When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
You Might Also Like
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
shut up and take my money
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.