Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I found your tweet-up…

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

Smells like a challenge to me

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?