Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather