Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
me and the Superbowl rn
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.