Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁