Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam