8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My humor is broken
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?