Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

For the orator and chef in all of us

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

It kinda feels like this rn

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car