stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together