Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

opening twitter today

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?