Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure