Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*