Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.