When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me