Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol