Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Based Erika

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.