Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it