Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.