They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume