They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers