Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Become ungovernable.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism